


Senpai

by avio



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Friendship, Gay Senpai, Grown-Up Gay, M/M, Support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 18:11:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7651297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avio/pseuds/avio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kageyama discovers something about Shimizu-senpai, and starts to think maybe he can trust her with things he's been thinking about in regards to himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Senpai

**Author's Note:**

> based off of an extremely important headcanon of Nana's where Kiyoko is Kageyama's gay senpai. like u know the Grown Up Gay in your life? when you find someone who's comfortable w their sexuality and the fact that they exist makes it that much easier for you and you look up to them and stuff? yeah. holy frick. though please be careful as this may be a little triggery as far as like. coming out and stuff [don't worry, there's no mean homophobia or anything more than confused Kags trying not to think about how gay he is <3 ]

It started this afternoon, before club, and for some reason, Kageyama can't get it out of his mind. He was just on his way to his locker when he caught sight of it, just at the end of the hall. He didn't think much of it at first; after all, Shimizu and Yachi were both club managers, and it makes sense that they would be talking to each other even outside of club.

He never expected to see, just as he was passing by, Shimizu-san leaning down to softly press her lips to Yachi's. Yachi was blushing, smiling, and a little frantic (as she often is) before Shimizu gently took her hand and kissed that, too. It looked so comfortable, so commonplace, and he wonders if it was a coincidence, or if--?

No, it couldn't be possible, right?

Something in him buzzed with a strange emotion, and he placed his hand on his heart as if to stop it from jumping like it did.

He tried not to think about it too hard (because, lately, he'd been thinking too hard in general. Things he was afraid to think about, scared to contemplate), but he found himself suddenly paying extra close attention to the managers during practice, after practice, if he saw them in the halls at school. So he noticed their gently clasped hands as they walked down the hall, and chaste kisses on lips and cheeks causing sweet blushes. Yachi's wide smiles and _both of them_ had such sparkling eyes.

And Shimizu was so cool, calm, about all of it even though he could tell from her own blushing that she wasn't unaffected.

He couldn't explain it (or rather, he could, but didn't want to really go into it), but he suddenly found himself wanting to be closer to Shimizu-senpai. He never put much thought into it before - she was inhumanly gorgeous and it seemed like everyone had a crush on her, and she was good at managing the team, but mostly he focused on volleyball. (And, recently, other things, but he didn't want to think about that right now. He didn't want to think about bright hair and bright smiles and large, intense eyes, small hands smacking a ball and a shout of joy--)

Instead, he focused on this weird, hopeful fluttering desire to be closer to Shimizu.

He found himself lingering before and after practice, just in her vicinity. He would flush when he caught private looks between her and the smaller girl, feeling like he was intruding but he can't put a name to why... to why this was so? Important, perhaps?

It made his heart beat a little faster, there was something crawling under his skin, his breathing catching a little. He wanted to get closer to her, he wanted to talk to her. He felt a swell of excitement when he saw her with Yachi.

 _She's brave,_ he thought, because she _was,_ because even though she's shy and quiet and stern, she never, ever hesitated when Yachi would reach for her hand, or hold back a smile and a kiss.

And, he felt stupid for it, but he started to follow her like a puppy, trying to find her during breaks. She didn't acknowledge him farther than a nod in greeting when she saw him, which was so like her, and not at all cruel like he thought it would be.

It didn't occur to him that his actions in the past week could be misconstrued as something more than it was (admiration, and a hopefulness? An overwhelming urge to see if she wouldn't mind talking with him, even though he's awful at that to begin with.) It was Nishinoya and Tanaka that brought it to his attention, anger radiating off of them as they cornered him one afternoon.

"What's the big deal, Kageyama?" Tanaka had that stupid expression on his face, the one he thought wass so intimidating and for a second Tobio nearly believed it.

“What?” He felt a little confused and didn't really understand why his senpais' animosity was directed at him.

"We've noticed you've been trying to get close to Kiyoko-san," Nishinoya said, voice carrying a growling undertone, lip twitching.

"To think we would have had to worry about our own little kouhai creeping on her. Don't you know she has a girlfriend??" Tanaka was glaring, hands on his hips, peering at Kageyama. “We wont let you taint their purity with your disgusting thoughts!”

"Creep-- wh _-what??"_ Tobio was stuttering, starting to feel embarrassed. "No, you idiots! It's nothing like that!"

"Oh? Really, Kageyama? You never seemed to put much thought into her before." Tanaka's ridiculous face only got worse as he leaned in, invading Tobio's personal space.

"I-- Wh-- Just--" He took a deep breath, scowling, eyes dark. "What's wrong with admiring Shimizu-senpai, anyways?! It's not even... _that_ kind of admiration, I just-- I don't have to explain myself to you!"

The two faltered, just a little bit. "Admire?"

" _Yes,_ for fuck's sake, I didn't even mean anything more than that!" God. He couldn't believe that they thought he was some kind of pervert.

Their violent vibe deflated, and they looked at each other before nodding toward Kageyama. "You'd better be sure, little kouhai. We don't need anyone messin' w Kiyoko-san and Yachi-san."

“I was never going to! I just--” How could he tell them that he felt compelled to be around her, felt... comfortable? Felt like he couldn't possibly put into words why he felt drawn to her, like, almost like he could _relate_ to her, which is strange, because they're nothing alike. Mostly. “Wait... how did you know they were together?”

“What do you mean? It's been a couple months now. How oblivious are you, Kageyama?”

“I didn't... I didn't know until recently! So I kind of admire her.”

The two back off, odd expressions on their face. They could understand admiring her, of course, so they let it go. “We'll be keeping an eye on you, though, Kageyama!”

The confrontation, however, left him thinking. Perhaps he'd been making Kiyoko uncomfortable? They never talked to each other, just nod in greeting and that's it, and he just finds a way to keep observing. Okay that... was kind of creepy. His skin began to crawl and the idea of making her uncomfortable in any way made him feel awful.

So, the next time he saw her, he bowed low.

"Shimizu-senpai."

Her head tilted very slightly, nearly unnoticeably. "Kageyama-kun?"

"Please, forgive me. I wanted to apologize, i-if I have been making you uncomfortable. I know I've been-- Well, I've just been around a lot."

She looked a little thoughtful, a hand placed over her stomach. "I've noticed. It's not too uncomfortable. You haven't really been doing any harm.”

He swallows, a little embarrassed now. "I just. I'm sorry. I admire you a lot, Senpai." His head is still tilted. "I mean, a-after I saw you and Yachi-san. Not that I was looking! But, I did see it, and I... find it very admirable. You can do what I--” He cut himself off, swallowing thickly. “What I really don't think I can." He barely even meant to say anything like that.

Her eyes widened minutely, and she inhaled a little sharply, but she was relaxed almost so quickly that he could possibly pass it off as a hallucination. Her soft voice had a little conviction to it as she spoke. "Kageyama-kun. You haven't made me uncomfortable at all, and I appreciate your words."

He nodded, a little earnestly, embarrassment colouring his face up to his ears.

“I wont tell anyone, Kageyama-kun. The implications of what you said. Though, you know, if you ever need to talk, you're welcome to talk with me." She sounded so welcoming and there wasn't a trace of judgment in her tone, and Kageyama could feel something lift inside him, an apprehension he'd forgotten was there.

“I, um, I would really appreciate that.” He mumbled, nerves sparking up again.

She smiled, gently placed a hand on his arm. “I mean it. I understand. Please, if you ever need it, you can talk to me.”

He nodded again, almost dumbly, and she turned and started to walk away when he stopped her. “Sh-Shimizu-senpai!”

She watched him, waited for him to speak.

“C-can we, if it's alright, after club tonight?”

“Of course.”

 

He sent a pouting Hinata home alone, saying he needed to talk to Shimizu about something, feeling warm when Hinata seemed a little disappointed (but he promptly shook that away). He looked over just to see as Yachi was standing on her toes to kiss Kiyoko's cheek before bounding away. She waved to the smaller girl, a fond smile on her face. She noticed him staring and her eyes were soft and he suddenly wondered if he could do this, if it was alright.

“Let's walk, Kageyama-kun, if you're alright with that?”

“Y-yes, that's fine.”

It was quiet for a few minutes, and the night was cool and comfortable. Then, “Sh-Shimizu-senpai, is it okay if I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“Forgive me, but, um. Wh-when did you and Yachi-san get together?” He wasn't nervous very often, but this was kind of scary for him (in his mind he saw a flash of bright hair) and he had to start somewhere, right?

“It's been about five months,” she responded, expression a fond smile and gentle eyes.

“Oh.” There was more silence as Kageyama mulled over this small bit of information. “How long have you... did you already know? Before you got together? That, uh, you like, um, girls?”

“I did know, for a while before her.”

“D-do you also like boys?”

“Not like that, no. I used to think I did, though.”

He looked up at her, earnestness in his eyes. “You did??”

She chuckled softly. “Yes. For a very, very long time.”

“I-I don't know if I--” He cut himself off, biting his lip, afraid to continue, but Shimizu was patient. “Senpai? Is it alright if I tell you something? Is that okay?”

“Of course.”

“And you wont tell anyone? I'm not even sure if I, well.”

“You have my word, Kageyama-kun.”

He took a deep breath. “I think I... Well, I've been thinking a lot lately and, like, maybe I think boys are... Um.” He felt so ashamed, cheeks alight with it. His heart was pounding and this was kind of terrifying and he may as well just say it because he already came this far and “ _I don't think I'm straight.”_ The words came out rushed, and he had to stop walking, clenching his fists at his sides. He had never said it out loud, he hadn't even said it to himself in his _mind_ other than implications of certain thoughts (a loud voice demanding _once more!)_ and he felt shame, so much shame and fear and somehow breathing got to be a little difficult all the sudden--

“Kageyama-kun,” her voice was so light and so, _so_ gentle. “It;s alright.”

His breathing was almost panting, and he inhaled deeply, staring at her. “It is?”

“Of course it is. I'm proud of you.”

“I'm not... I've never said that out loud before. I was afraid it'd only... People already find me hard to talk to.” He kicked at the ground, face still flushed. “I don't want to be alienated even more. I-I don't want _him_ to think-- He trusts me so much, and I feel so guilty.” Oh. Oh, fuck, he didn't want to say anything about that, it was hard enough trying to come to terms with _whatever this was_ , he didn't need to mention _him._

“You don't need to feel guilty for what you feel, Kageyama-kun. It's very easy to, because you're expected to, but you absolutely don't have to. Your feelings are your feelings. There's not much that you can do with them. You don't have to feel any shame for whom you like.” Her tone was so clear-cut, like there was no doubt in her mind that what she was saying was true. “It's very brave of you to talk about this.”

He was surprised, staring again in disbelief. “What?”

“Just because I'm rather comfortable with it now does not mean I've always been. It takes a lot of courage. Thank you for trusting me with this.” She bowed, and he didn't really know what to do with himself for a moment before he returned the gesture.

“N-no! Thank you for letting me talk to you! A-and for telling me... about you, like that.”

“Any time, Kageyama-kun. I promise, if you ever need to talk, I would be happy to listen.”

“Thank you so much, Senpai.” He could feel himself choking up, feel the itch in his nose and the water in his eyes. He hurriedly brought his wrist up to wipe at them. “ _Thank you_ so _much_. I was so _scared._ I'm _still_ so scared.”

She reached up, a handkerchief in her hand as she wiped away the tears. “It's alright. It's more than alright. You're going to be alright.” She sounded so _certain_ , and it was so hard, but he started to believe her, nodding and accepting her handkerchief.

 

It became a regular thing. Kageyama started to seek out Shimizu, and they would up talking for a little bit. Or they didn't. Either way, he felt more and more comfortable, like maybe everything would be okay. His senpai was kind and quiet and understanding, and he appreciated her so, so much.

“I think I like someone,” he mumbled to her one afternoon.

“Oh?”

“I can't stop thinking about him.”

“Sounds about right.”

He dragged his hand down his face, eyes shut tight. “He makes zero sense and he's stupid and annoying but I like being around him.”

Her laugh was as gentle as she always was, quiet and unassuming.

“I'm afraid he'd hate me.”

“I don't think he could.”

He didn't say a name, but he figured it was probably obvious, anyways, especially now that he was letting himself think about it more and more often, carefully peeling away layers of shame each time. Kiyoko was there for each one, supportive and _kind_ like everything he wasn't quite used to.

 

He was panicking, quickly scrolling on his phone to find her number, curled up behind a tree down the block from Hinata's house.

“Hello?”

“Senpai, I think I really screwed up.” He thought he might start crying, panting, praying to god he had just dreamed what happened.

“What do you mean? Kageyama-kun, please, take a deep breath.”

“ _I kissed him._ I didn't mean to! I just, he was right there, looking at me. I kissed him. He probably hates me.”

Kiyoko was gently reminding him to breathe, calm down, it's alright. It was just starting to work before he heard his name, heard the pounding of feet.

“ _Kageyama!”_ There's a skid of shoes as Hinata nearly runs past him, turning to look with a flushed face and heaving shoulders. “What's your problem? Why did you just take off like that?”

“If he wants to talk, talk to him,” Kiyoko says, voice soft.

Kageyama was so scared, but the tone in his senpai's voice led him to think that maybe he was going to be okay.

 

He was absolutely without a doubt more than okay.

He told Shimizu this the next day, red up to the tips of his ears, and she smiled, touching his arm and giving him her support and a soft congratulations. She became so important to him, that having this reassurance was everything, and he knew he could definitely make it if she could.

 

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for the really weak ending ghghghghghhhh and ooc Tobio. also if u have any grown up gay stories u should tell me bc they always warm my heart ;u;


End file.
